Thursday, March 17, 2011

Day 10 ... Emotional

Wednesday... a common day for hitting "the wall".

Below is the only picture I took today - it's of the menu. 

The salmon for dinner was very good! .. The greek pita was ok, but made me ... well a bit burpy for the day. It's the first time in nearly a week where I had to take an antacid. One thing I've learned, my supposed "acid reflux" problem is DIRECTLY related to my diet. I guess I should have known that, but in reality, I didn't realize to what degree that was true.

This is a hard post for me to write, but I think it's important I do so.

Today's hike, which was called Winding Way, involved a forested path that crossed a stream 4 times (8 if you count the return trip back). This meant crossing over slippery rocks or logs, whatever was there that you could use. Most of the time, I'd wait for the hiking guide (Hargo, who was very helpful) to go stand mid-stream and offer his hand to help you balance as you cross. Well... we got to one of the crossings and when I saw how dicey it was for the person in front of me to cross.. I kind of lost it. I started crying, and even shaking with fear a bit. I had to pull myself together in order to cross... which I did, and did ok... but all that did was make me want to cry *more*. So, as I kept walking.... and knowing I was dead last ... I kept crying a bit. So I decided to try to think about it... what was it that was triggering this. What emotions was this tapping into. Granted I didn't want to fall into the stream & get wet... but that couldn't be the only REASON for me to react this way.

Then something happened. As more tears would run down my face, my *reaction* to get it to stop was anger... just ugly, unadulterated anger. I think I snipped at a few people. I just wanted to be left alone and I didn't want to cry, and I didn't want to think about WHY I wanted to cry.

Well, I didn't come here to ignore things. So, I tried to think about it... but whenever the tears would hit me a bit too strong, I'd revert back to pure anger. In fact, towards the end of the trail (and then back to the almost mile of paved road), I was the first up the steep incline. The path was narrow, so since people wouldn't be able to pass me, and I didn't want to hold up anyone, AND I was so full of anger at that point, I steadily climbed, even a bit quick for me... through the pain, through the negative thinking, I just climbed. Back at the van a couple of people said, "wow, you really cranked it up on that last hill". That felt good a bit... but, I knew it was the anger that had me all fired up.

Anyway... back to the *issue*. So, why did I cry when I realized I might not be able to cross the stream. After much reflecting... here's what I came up with...It was because I'd be noticed, and not in a good way. I've spent many of the last years trying to hide, to be in the shadows, to not be noticed.... because, if I was noticed, it would be for negative reasons (my weight being the primary reason). Anyone who knows me knows I use humor... many times self-deprecating humor... as deflection. However, I don't normally make any disparaging comments that would bring attention to my weight. That's typically off limits...  But, to be pitied or laughed at because of it... would be mortifying. But why? .... I've gone through some things in the past 6+ years where I have been publicly humiliated and where my character, my looks, my weight, just everything about *me* were attacked. I'm not being paranoid, it DID happen, repeatedly. I'm not going to get into a ton of details, but.... that on-going incident (from a person on the periphery of my life), has done a lot of damage to my foundation... to my core. It started me on a path that completely shattered my self-confidence. A path that I never quite thought I'd recover from.

I used that as a crutch, or an excuse, in why I sunk further into the abyss of being overweight, feeling sorry for myself, feeling overwhelmed with having a large amount of weight to lose... and then doing nothing about it, except making the problem worse... by just giving up. It's a very strange self-fulfilling prophecy.... and a damaging cycle I would like to stop doing, for good. I'm still not totally clear on HOW I'm going to do that... but, recognizing these emotions head on is definitely a good first step.

That's the thing about Fitness Ridge... they work you until you're just exhausted. Tired to your core.... so tired, in fact, that your emotions are just RAW, they are *pure* and right there under the surface. All the BS, all the pretenses, all the excuses are gone.... and you can start to FEEL things that perhaps you've known were there, but couldn't really deal with. I think this is maybe one of the reasons people say their visits here have been life changing and *more* than just about losing weight or even about getting healthier.

It's a start anyway.

However, today was so emotional for me that I definitely hit the gloomy Wednesday wall during my afternoon classes... not quite able to give it all I had. A little bit of "just going through the motions". 

But... here's what my schedule was for the day:

6am - stretch (I didn't go)
7am - breakfast (sausage & egg sandwich, side of fruit... not bad)
8am - hike (winding way... too PO'd to take any pics)
11:15 - stretch
12:15 - lunch 
1:45 - open gym (I skipped, took a nap instead)
2:30 - mountain (12 increases of speed/incline/resistance, 1 every 3 mins)
3:30 - h20 circuit (this time was all arm exercises with a noodle)
4:30 - kickboxing (I skipped class, just hit my wall)

Biggest regret of the day:
  • Not going to kickboxing and pushing through the fatigue I was feeling


  1. I love the fact that emotional work is done there as well as physical because they are so entwined but I definitely think you should put that person from your periphery in your mind and kickbox from HELL - a great release for anger.

    Awesome work so far D - am very proud to call you my friend :)

  2. Keep on truckin' Danielle! Full steam ahead :).