Day 10 ... Emotional

Wednesday... a common day for hitting "the wall".


Below is the only picture I took today - it's of the menu. 

The salmon for dinner was very good! .. The greek pita was ok, but made me ... well a bit burpy for the day. It's the first time in nearly a week where I had to take an antacid. One thing I've learned, my supposed "acid reflux" problem is DIRECTLY related to my diet. I guess I should have known that, but in reality, I didn't realize to what degree that was true.

This is a hard post for me to write, but I think it's important I do so.

Today's hike, which was called Winding Way, involved a forested path that crossed a stream 4 times (8 if you count the return trip back). This meant crossing over slippery rocks or logs, whatever was there that you could use. Most of the time, I'd wait for the hiking guide (Hargo, who was very helpful) to go stand mid-stream and offer his hand to help you balance as you cross. Well... we got to one of the crossings and when I saw how dicey it was for the person in front of me to cross.. I kind of lost it. I started crying, and even shaking with fear a bit. I had to pull myself together in order to cross... which I did, and did ok... but all that did was make me want to cry *more*. So, as I kept walking.... and knowing I was dead last ... I kept crying a bit. So I decided to try to think about it... what was it that was triggering this. What emotions was this tapping into. Granted I didn't want to fall into the stream & get wet... but that couldn't be the only REASON for me to react this way.

Then something happened. As more tears would run down my face, my *reaction* to get it to stop was anger... just ugly, unadulterated anger. I think I snipped at a few people. I just wanted to be left alone and I didn't want to cry, and I didn't want to think about WHY I wanted to cry.

Well, I didn't come here to ignore things. So, I tried to think about it... but whenever the tears would hit me a bit too strong, I'd revert back to pure anger. In fact, towards the end of the trail (and then back to the almost mile of paved road), I was the first up the steep incline. The path was narrow, so since people wouldn't be able to pass me, and I didn't want to hold up anyone, AND I was so full of anger at that point, I steadily climbed, even a bit quick for me... through the pain, through the negative thinking, I just climbed. Back at the van a couple of people said, "wow, you really cranked it up on that last hill". That felt good a bit... but, I knew it was the anger that had me all fired up.

Anyway... back to the *issue*. So, why did I cry when I realized I might not be able to cross the stream. After much reflecting... here's what I came up with...It was because I'd be noticed, and not in a good way. I've spent many of the last years trying to hide, to be in the shadows, to not be noticed.... because, if I was noticed, it would be for negative reasons (my weight being the primary reason). Anyone who knows me knows I use humor... many times self-deprecating humor... as deflection. However, I don't normally make any disparaging comments that would bring attention to my weight. That's typically off limits...  But, to be pitied or laughed at because of it... would be mortifying. But why? .... I've gone through some things in the past 6+ years where I have been publicly humiliated and where my character, my looks, my weight, just everything about *me* were attacked. I'm not being paranoid, it DID happen, repeatedly. I'm not going to get into a ton of details, but.... that on-going incident (from a person on the periphery of my life), has done a lot of damage to my foundation... to my core. It started me on a path that completely shattered my self-confidence. A path that I never quite thought I'd recover from.

I used that as a crutch, or an excuse, in why I sunk further into the abyss of being overweight, feeling sorry for myself, feeling overwhelmed with having a large amount of weight to lose... and then doing nothing about it, except making the problem worse... by just giving up. It's a very strange self-fulfilling prophecy.... and a damaging cycle I would like to stop doing, for good. I'm still not totally clear on HOW I'm going to do that... but, recognizing these emotions head on is definitely a good first step.

That's the thing about Fitness Ridge... they work you until you're just exhausted. Tired to your core.... so tired, in fact, that your emotions are just RAW, they are *pure* and right there under the surface. All the BS, all the pretenses, all the excuses are gone.... and you can start to FEEL things that perhaps you've known were there, but couldn't really deal with. I think this is maybe one of the reasons people say their visits here have been life changing and *more* than just about losing weight or even about getting healthier.

It's a start anyway.

However, today was so emotional for me that I definitely hit the gloomy Wednesday wall during my afternoon classes... not quite able to give it all I had. A little bit of "just going through the motions". 

But... here's what my schedule was for the day:

6am - stretch (I didn't go)

7am - breakfast (sausage & egg sandwich, side of fruit... not bad)

8am - hike (winding way... too PO'd to take any pics)

11:15 - stretch

12:15 - lunch 

1:45 - open gym (I skipped, took a nap instead)

2:30 - mountain (12 increases of speed/incline/resistance, 1 every 3 mins)

3:30 - h20 circuit (this time was all arm exercises with a noodle)

4:30 - kickboxing (I skipped class, just hit my wall)

Biggest regret of the day:

• Not going to kickboxing and pushing through the fatigue I was feeling

Day 9 ... keep on keepin' on!

I was dead tired Tuesday night, which is why I'm writing this entry on Wed and I never even finished it until Thursday!! I was in bed by 8pm on Tuesday, although I did watch TV until nearly 10.... was just waiting for the sleeping pills to kick in. I still have not slept soundly, but I suspect I've figured out why. I think the biggest reason is that the beds are softer than I'm used to. Anyhoots... I'll just keep taking sleeping pills until I can sleep through the night on my own. Lack of good sleep REALLY shows up in your effort and energy level the next day. I tried to push myself, and for the most part I did (even did bursts of 15% incline on the treadmill), but I had NO endurance. Sam's total toning class (think circuit training but on other stuff than machines), I just couldn't go for the full minute all-out portions of class. I could start out each of them, but just had no energy to sustain the full minute and needed longer than the allotted 30 secs for recovery.


Some other highlights of my day:


Hike:

• Charmlee - pretty views. I took a few pics. Although we only did about 3.6 miles (from what someone told me), I'm exhausted. A black shirt, even a dry-weave/wicking shirt on a sunny day is just brutal after awhile. For anyone planning on going on the hikes, make sure you put sunscreen on BEFORE you start your hike - you'll need it, even if it's cloudy. I burn pretty easy, so I wanted to be careful. So far, between that and wearing a hat, I've been ok burn-wise. I need to figure out how to get better sleep... because I'm just dragging and don't have much endurance for the second half of the hikes, even with electrolyte tablets in my pack.

Shoes:

• Yesterday I had another appointment with the Chiro. He told me to ditch my shoes, they were beyond being supportive. I did bring 2 pairs of gym shoes with me... one pair really worn in and the other have always been a bit tight. So, I guess I need to switch to the newer pair. Shoes are such a big deal.. your feet are everything when taking the type of punishment we're giving them at a place like this. Taking care of your feet really is critical.

All in all... a pretty good day. I'm just beat!


Regret of the day:

• Having a newer, but slightly worn in pair of gym shoes for the exercise classes - that FIT WELL!

Below are some pics from Day 9

Day 8 ... Monday again!

Today was worlds away from last Monday. I can hardly believe how much stronger I feel in comparison. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle, but it's all new struggles... it's all about pushing yourself a little further each day. Two examples:

• Today's hike. We were back at Malibu Creek, although the trail we took was a bit different. We did nearly 5 miles. I did this hike last Wed. What a great way to compare my progress than to do *almost* the same hike again. This one was the one that had a killer hill near the end, and where I had a meltdown (about my dad... and because I was just exhausted). Well, this time, I managed to never even have to stop while going uphill!!! I mean, how ABSURD is that?? Didn't even have to stop? My speed may have slowed down, and my steps might have gotten shorter, but I didn't stop.... for nearly the entire 2 hours. Pretty amazing. I still went slower than many other people... but remember, it's MY hike, and that's all I concentrated on.
• After the hike, rather than take the pool class, I took the other option, which is Mountain. Ok, what's this class? You start on a cardio machine (I was on a treadmill), you pick a comfortable pace and every 3 minutes you have to *up* one of the controls - either the speed or the incline. You do this for a total of 12 times (36 minutes)... add in the warm up & the cool down, and you've got your 45 min class. Anyway, I chose to go, and I picked incline all the way. Which meant, by the time I was at the top of the "mountain", I was at a 12 incline! Again, I might not have been going super fast, but I'm building my endurance for those hills!

That was my morning... my afternoon looked like this:


2:30 Circuit training (I actually RAN on the treadmill for a couple of 30 seconds bursts!!, and not jogged, but full out RAN)
3:30 Core training (mostly mat work... but it's grueling)
4:30 h20 circuit


Again, my favorite thing about having pool class last is getting into the hot tub immediately after!! I could only stay for 10 minutes since I had to hurry up to go eat dinner & make my Chiro appt.


No pics again... the only one I really took yesterday was of the menu. I'll post that tomorrow. I need to get better about putting my camera in my jacket pocket during the hike. I just don't want to stop to take pics when it means getting it from my CamelBak pack. I'll keep working on this... I know people want to see hike pics! They really are pretty (when I manage to look around instead of just staring where to put my feet). Staying injury-free is job #1... looking at the scenery is #2! LOL


Thank again for all the kind words... in comments here, and in email, texts & facebook. It truly does mean a lot to me... and inspires me to keep on pushing!

Day 7 ... a day of rest

Relaxation on Sundays is encouraged. I didn't have to be told twice! My day consisted of laundry, a massage, and hanging out. Perfect. The icing on the cake (hmmm, maybe I need a new phrase, LOL) would have been the hot tub, but I'm at least 1 more day away from that.


Not much to write today... and no pics (again). I plan on trying to pick back up with the pics - of the food & hikes this week... so you have that look to forward to! :) 


The newbies are all here.. beyond full capacity this week, there are 82 people. 40 stay-overs, and 42 newbies. The stay-overs are supposed to give advice during the introductions after dinner. Mine was that your hike is YOUR hike... it's not a race, it doesn't matter if you're first or last, it's YOUR hike and don't compare yourself with anyone else. I thought that was pretty good advice... it was definitely a struggling point with me this past week.


I'm not sure about the "vibe" I got from the newbies... lots of them are here for only 1 week. It was just weird at dinner to look around, and see so many new faces. But, it's my journey... it should be that for everyone here, it's all about me for each of us. That's probably one of the coolest things about this place.


Ok... I'm going to sit, relax & watch a little TV before turning in early. We have another assessment hike tomorrow to place us in our "groups". I'm nervous to see what hike I'll be on.


So, may week 2 begin! The adventure continues.

Day 6 ... took it easy

Saturday... supposed to be a half day. I was originally only going to work out in the gym on the weight machines, but I felt terrible this morning. So I decided to listen to my body, and just rested. I actually took a nap for a few hours and that has been the deepest sleep I've had since being here. I had the TV on the whole time. So, maybe that's been part of my problem... it's been too quiet? Starting tonight, I'm going to try putting the sleep timer on the TV and see if that helps.


I'd love to take some time & reflect about this past week, but I'm still so tired. So, I think I'll make this post rather short instead.


I'm surprised how emotional I am that some people are leaving after tomorrow. I guess I don't always do well with change... and this week is no different. One of the new friends I made here leaves tomorrow... and I'm bummed about that. She's really a very cool person, we have a lot in common and she's always has such a positive attitude and is so calm. I'm going to miss her!! ... She'll be in NYC late this summer, so hopefully we'll be able to meet up then.. and keep in touch before then.


That truly is one of the most surprising things.. how closely you bond to people. I think it's an extension of being so beat up physically that your emotions are so raw... just under the surface. So, when you connect to people while in that state... you REALLY connect to them, ya know?


I've cried more this week than... well, than in a long time. Most of it has been "good". Some of it points out some things I need to explore further. I'm thinking I want to book an appointment with the life coach here in the next week. I think there are some "issues" I need to talk about... and see where that takes me. This place is so much more than a "fat camp" or even a fitness resort...... it truly can be life changing, and I think that's what I' looking for. Change. Me. Wow, that's growth (for me). I talk the talk, but I don't always follow through with it (change), and I'm hoping this time will be different.


Tomorrow is a day of rest, and I'm looking forward to doing exactly that. Rest & Laundry.


G'night all!

Day 5 ... The good, the bad & the ugly

Friday. Finally. But I'm miserable. Ok, if TMI is too much for you... walk away NOW. It's that time of the month for me (started late yesterday), so today was almost unbearable. It's not something I would normally *talk* about, but... in my efforts to be honest, I have to share that - because of the effect it had on my day.


The hike. Yeah.... Well. We get to the trail, and it's closed for the day. So, Randy, the lead hiking guide for our van, comes up with an alternative plan. I think he forgot what level we are at in this van. He parks along the side of some road. He says, well... there's this fire road we're going to take. (here comes the direct quote)... It goes uphill a little, we'll see how you guys do. Ok. OMG.... this thing was steep in parts and went uphill for friggin DAYS. I started out strong, but then started to fade a bit. Later in the day, I found out we had done part of reverse zuma and any trail name that starts with "zuma" will be really hard! But no, the fun doesn't stop there. Then, back down we go, and onto this other trail (in the woods, which was really nice). Not sure the name of it (I think it may have been part of bone tail?). Anyway, feeling like I was feeling, being sooooo low on iron, I was dragging. I brought up the rear. I think I made it back to the van a good 10-15 minutes behind the lead people. 


Came back and went to Stretch class. That always helps my back... even if I can't get into all of the ridiculous poses she shows us. I just make modifications.


After lunch, I went to Circuit Training. I gave it all I had... and it wiped me out. Besides having no more energy to give, my other *issue* for the day was just becoming problematic for me to continue. So, I opted out of the 2 additional afternoon classes (one of them being a pool class). I intended to take a nap, but couldn't ever fall asleep. So, I missed the 1 class I've been looking forward to all week... Cardio Disco Jam. Oh well, I'll catch it next Friday.


Tomorrow will be another difficult day physically for me, so I've decided to take it easy a bit. I'm not going on the sign-up hike or taking the Cardio Blast class. I asked if instead I could workout on the weight machines. Those are machines I would really like to get VERY comfortable with since they are at the gym at home. I feel weak, especially my upper body, and I would really like to work on increasing my strength for both my upper & lower body. So, I'll be working out solo, although there will be a class going on in the gym at the same time. But, they will all be on the cardio equipment (treadmills, arc trainers, recumbent bikes, Nu Step), so I should have the machines pretty much to myself, unless someone else is in there working out like I am.


I had a shiatsu massage tonight. It's a distant cousin (if you will) to a Thai massage (which I love). It was good, but, given how sore my muscles are, I think I'm better off sticking to the Swedish massages. My lower back spasmed while I was getting the massage. I'm hoping Dr. Ray can help with that. I have 2 appointments with him next week.


So... still not sleeping well. Plus, last night I had VERY weird dreams. I'm really hoping this detox crap ends soon... I could use a decent nights sleep... it's only been over a week since I've had one!! So I don't think I'm asking for too much!


All in all... icky, uncomfortable day..... BUT, people here are so supportive, you don't really have a chance to sit in your own stink (stinkin' thinkin').... the ones who have been here more than a week have lots of advice and share their thoughts... it helps keep you motivated, and it also helps you know when it's ok to take a break when your body demands it. One thing I hope to learn while here is how to listen to my body more. It talks to me, but I haven't a clue of what the hell it's saying half the time!!! I need to get better at that, I need to find a healthier balance... and be in tune with it. I think achieving that will help me go far in my overall goal of weight loss & a healthier lifestyle.


Regrets of the day: Not going to Cardio Disco Jam


No pics (I think I took some, but I'll upload them tomorrow). G'night!  

Day 4

I didn't take any pictures today... not even of the food. I felt blah... the hike really took a lot out of me. It wasn't the difficulty (it actually was a moderate hike, 4.5 miles, but not any monstrous uphills). It was the heat & sun. I got a bit burned, even though I put SPF 70 on. I must have sweat it off. I hate being burned. In fact, the heat is the biggest reason I decided to come to Malibu instead of Utah. It must be all that Canadian blood in me!


This is going to be a short entry.... first up, the schedule:


6am - stretch (I skipped)
7am - breakfast (fruit, muesli & almond milk... once I added some truvia, it was really good!)
8am - hike (back to Paramount Ranch for my group)
11:15 - liquid moves (think cardio, but in the pool)
12:30pm - lunch (an AWESOME chicken & avocado soup in broth, and turkey sandwich & salad)
1:15pm - cooking demo
2:30pm - total body h20 - another pool class, this time all about strength
3:30pm - ball works (the class from hell... taught by Sam)
4:30pm - treading (tough class)
5:30pm - dinner (stuffed peppers, vanilla pie (grapenuts & tofu))


Tonight was awesome... no after dinner lecture. I was back in my room by 6:20. That gave me some time to catch up on my blog. :) ... sadly though, I took no pics today.


Today was just a day where all I was thinking was "just make it through the day". And I did. I didn't wear my polar watch today, because, as I feared, the chest strap has caused some skin-related issues and it felt rather raw today. So, I decided not to wear it after the hike (I like it for the hike, so I can gauge my heart rate and know when my body needs to stop & recover, and when it's just my brain telling me I'm tired & can't do it..... this is a re-training my brain process that I'm working on).


I hope to feel better tomorrow (need good quality sleep), and then I'll be back to taking pics in no time!


And keep the comments coming. One of the highlights of my day was when right before lunch, I checked my email and read a very sweet & uplifting blog comment (thanks Olivia) that put a little bounce in my step (until Sam's class beat the crap out of me!!! LOL)


Biggest regret of the day

• another easy one... not having a massage appointment today!!
• not having brought good quality after-sunburn care